There's this beetle that, for a week or so, kept showing up. Wherever I went, it was there. At my door, in my car (terrifying), and finally, dead outside the yoga studio. I haven't seen him since.
It first showed up around this time last year, following me from the back of the house to the front, and back again. I couldn't escape him. Most beetle species complete their lives in a single year, so it very well could have been the same one, visiting me at the bookends of its life, its corpse shown to me directly after my own savasana.
In true me fashion, I found it hard not to wonder if this beetle was more than just my personal interloper, if it was, instead, a sign from the universe.
In ancient Egyptian culture, the scarab beetle was considered a symbol of the sun, rebirth, and protection. In other traditions, beetles were seen as symbols of transformation, perseverance, renewal. It was often associated with the god Khepri, who was believed to roll the sun across the sky, similar to how a beetle rolls a ball of dung.
Same, but different.
Was I being reminded to persist? What was my ball of dung? To where was I rolling it, and to what end?
I wondered what would happen if I didn’t freak out every time I saw the beetle, if I stopped running, stopped screaming in horror, stopped asking J to shield me from this insect that's a few thousand millionths of my size.
What message am I missing out on by refusing to face what keeps showing up?
I'll be honest. Right now, I'm having a little trouble living in alignment with my integrity. When it comes to making money, my internal compass sometimes feels lost, ungrounded, out of calibration.
Living in alignment with who I want to be and the work I want to do is feeling like an uphill battle, especially in a world that constantly demands compromise if we are to...survive.
In trying to stay out of financial debt, I’ve started to notice another kind of debt accumulating—a soul debt. A spirit debt. I don't want to need to unwind at the end of every day.
We choose the suffering that is familiar, Thich Nhat Hanh said.
But then what?
I’ve been choosing the familiar suffering of staying in jobs where I believe in the work I do with my clients but struggle with the ethics and practices of those in charge. The financial compensation is cool, but it keeps me in a cycle that isn’t fully in tune with my deeper values.
Thich Nhat Hahn would probably suggest using mindfulness to recognize this pattern, cultivating compassion for myself as I navigate these choices, and working to transform this familiar suffering into a path that truly resonates with what I feel is truly right and good. It’s a reminder that, while the comfort of familiarity is tempting, there’s also the potential for growth and alignment when we face and transform these patterns.
That's all well and good, but, as my most challenging and short-lived clients say, I need answers! Tell me what to do! Fix me!
I'm inspired by people who take blind leaps of faith. I find that I'm more of a cheerleader for those who take blind leaps of faith.
Somewhere in between leaving it all behind - money, responsibility, greed - to nestle myself in the forests of some untouched land, and aging myself with stress and an accumulation of dirty money, there is The Middle Way (Madhyamaka). This Buddhist principle is about finding balance and avoiding extremes in our thoughts, behaviors, and actions.
- Balance between Professional Integrity and Practical Needs: The Middle Way reminds me to find the balance between my ethical concerns and the practical aspects of my job. It’s not about completely rejecting the job or fully accepting everything that comes with it, but finding a path that honors both my beliefs and my needs.
- Avoiding Extremes of Attachment and Aversion: This teaching shows where I might be clinging too tightly to the financial benefits of this job (attachment) or pushing away the discomfort I feel with how things are run (aversion). The Middle Way guides me towards a more balanced perspective, in which I acknowledge both the positives and negatives without being controlled by them.
- Practical Application: Practicing The Middle Way might involve gradually making changes in my current situation to bring it more in line with my principles, without making drastic decisions that could lead to more suffering. It’s about taking measured steps that consider all aspects of my life, not just one side or the other.
Maybe the beetle's dogged showing up was a metaphor for these patterns in my life. The beetle, resolute and resilient, wasn’t trying to freak me out, but was sent to show me something about myself—about the dung I keep rolling around, and the familiar suffering I keep choosing.
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1 Mantra:
1 Journal/Pondering Prompt:
What recurring signs or patterns have you noticed in your life, and what might they be asking you to confront or embrace?
1 Art Prompt:
Create a piece that represents something you've been avoiding—use colors, shapes, or textures that evoke both the fear and curiosity you feel about it.
1 Book:
Women Who Run With The Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype - Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes
- As always, with love and thanks,
BROOKIE
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